The Bonds We Make (and Break): Building Better Relationships

Psychologist Marisa Franco explains the biggest misconceptions that are hurting our friendships, how relationships shape our personalities and sense of self, and why friendships don't just happen organically.

We all have some friendships that cause us more conflict than fulfillment, leaving us stressed and confused rather than seen and supported. Jen Hatmaker, bestselling author and host of "For the Love" podcast, is here to hold our hands and walk us through a friendship breakup. She’s gifted us with questions to ask yourself when you think a friendship is no longer healthy, ground rules for when and where to have a conversation, and even a script to use.

Today's kids are coming of age amidst political, social, technological, and economic upheaval. And while this is shaping a precocious and outspoken generation, kids are also struggling with a mental health crisis, the pressures of social media, and the ongoing impacts of COVID-19 on key developmental years. Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author, has practical tips for having healthier, more productive conversations with the kids in our lives.

When we talk about the teen mental health crisis, we often focus on the teens themselves — but as Reshma Saujani, founder of Girls Who Code and Moms First, points out, the well-being of moms is deeply intertwined with that of their children. "The two groups that are suffering the most from anxiety and depression are teens and moms," Saujani says. “The kids are not alright because the moms are not alright."

Saujani highlights how misaligned systems, like the gap between school and work hours, set families up for failure. If we want to address rising anxiety and depression among teens, she argues, we need to start by supporting their caregivers. “We have to fix childcare in this country. Period.” By investing in moms, we create the foundation for healthier, happier kids and a society that truly supports families.

In his parting prescription as the 21st U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy left the nation with this advice: "Choose community". During Aspen Ideas: Health, he explained how we can reprioritize relationships, service, and purpose – the core pillars of community - in our lives to help create a world that truly supports health and well being.

"We are all healers because we have the ability to love," said Murthy. With one in two adults are living with measurable levels of loneliness, he challenged each of us to commit to simple daily actions that can strengthen our social connections. "This lies at the heart of what we have to do if we want to build a healthier society, a healthier set of individuals, and, quite frankly, if we also want to deal with division and polarization." 

Contemporary American society is deeply age segregated. Youth spend most of their time with peers and older people head to retirement communities. Yet a yearning for connections is palpable across the age spectrum and innovators like Eddie Gonzalez, Ayana Allen-Handy, and Marc Freedman are responding with models that bring the generations together in their homes, schools, workplaces, and communities. 

By embracing the idea of "the mutual exchange", we can build on the strengths and knowledge embedded in each generation to benefit our collective society, said Gonzalez at Aspen Ideas: Health. "We can all – the young and old – be teachers to one another."

Is our notion of the perfect romantic partner destroying our love lives? At the 2016 Aspen Ideas Festival, world-renowned psychologist and couples therapist Esther Perel sat down with journalist Hanna Rosin for an insightful and provocative conversation on modern relationships. "Monogamy used to be one person for life, and now monogamy is one person at a time," Perel says. They discussed the evolution of marriage, why romanticism sets us up for failure, and what realistic wedding vows might sound like.

Advice columnist and activist Dan Savage supports monogamy. "I just want monogamous people to be realistic about what that means," he emphasizes. "If somebody makes a monogamous commitment to you and they only cheated on you twice in 50 years, they were good at monogamy, not bad at monogamy."

After laying out this provocative idea, Savage explains the problems he sees in monogamous culture, and the unrealistic expectations monogamous couples have for decades-long relationships. "I generally think when it comes to sex, we need a broad definition. And when it comes to cheating, we need a narrow one, which are things that I think are in conflict," Savage says. "Define cheating narrowly, and you're less likely to get cheated on. Define sex broadly, and you're likely to have more and better sex."